April 24, 2013

We went on a recce again today, just another regular 2 hours in this new job of mine - to visit places and ensure everything is well lined up before the vvip himself steps in - and I had a halting (due to unavoidable language differences, but hey, we’re all chinese) but engaging discussion with one of the policemen on his newly completed course in criminology, which coincidentally was taught by my university professor (NEVER GOT TO DO THE MODULE :( ).  I was asking him about reasons why anyone on the street would commit a crime; any crime, and he just simply replied,” 世界上没有好人也没有坏人。” (In this world, there is no good or bad person). And it floored me a little, for a while. A prickly reminder of how I so often classify people under black or white, and even worse, worthy or unworthy. As if it were that simple and I were that perfect. 

There is no good or bad person in this world. 

10:45pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZVNnVyjRFwaE
Filed under: life self-post 
March 29, 2013
I saw you today

I was clearing out my cupboard this afternoon, and found a small burgundy colored bottle of perfume that I’d long forgotten about, sitting in a little corner just beyond my line of vision on normal days. I spritzed a tiny bit on the collar of my shirt and to more bewilderment than surprise, it transported me right back to where we were, that year, at that time - who we no longer are. The days where I’d be in a hurry, rushing out of the house to meet you (and needless to say, a whole crew of other people), but not without drenching myself in whatever was in that bottle (yes; young and obviously without an informed opinion about how to go about using perfume sparingly). 

Now I turn up the collar of my shirt and find myself wrinkling my nose, cringing at the sweetness that I remember all too clearly. I prefer  something different now - something a little lighter, mysterious, lingering but not fully here; someone more grounded, level-headed and yet steeped in mischief and a similar sense of adventure. Now I realize, your spontaneity and flightiness were things I could never keep up with no matter what and who I told myself to be. Time changes not everything, but most things, but I think…most of all it changes us. 

But we hardly ever really forget, do we? 

9:03pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZVNnVyhOv9RS
(Notes: 1)
  
Filed under: Life self-post N 
March 17, 2013

It’s so easy to lapse back into the old again. The familiar, throbbing rhythm of the same few words strung into a stinging sentence on repeat in your head, reminding you of how you are so small and capable of so little, so unworthy and so unwanted. And then there is the still, smaller voice that makes it through the cracks, that says “you are worthy, you are loved and you are MINE.” Now all I have to decide is which to listen to. 

11:39pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZVNnVygTMuEB
(Notes: 2)
  
Filed under: God life 
March 13, 2013
Taken from this month’s issue of Relevant.  I’m generally not a fan of articles like that, cos…well who likes articles that make you squirm in your seat and think twice and then shut off a part of your brain when the author speaks with the authority you know is from God, asking you to reexamine your current lifestyle and habits and directions? It makes running away from the truth all the more difficult, and personally I’ve never experienced such a huge ‘twist of fate’ in my life (as directed by the One and Only Big Boss up there), but if something close to this ever happens, or perhaps even on a much smaller scale, will I be able to say “Okay I will go wherever You call me?”  and trust that He will never ‘trick us into a lesser treasure’?  How much are we really trusting God for the future?? And honestly, sometimes I wonder if I’m even trusting in the right person(Person) at all. 

Taken from this month’s issue of Relevant. 

I’m generally not a fan of articles like that, cos…well who likes articles that make you squirm in your seat and think twice and then shut off a part of your brain when the author speaks with the authority you know is from God, asking you to reexamine your current lifestyle and habits and directions? It makes running away from the truth all the more difficult, and personally I’ve never experienced such a huge ‘twist of fate’ in my life (as directed by the One and Only Big Boss up there), but if something close to this ever happens, or perhaps even on a much smaller scale, will I be able to say “Okay I will go wherever You call me?”  and trust that He will never ‘trick us into a lesser treasure’? 

How much are we really trusting God for the future?? And honestly, sometimes I wonder if I’m even trusting in the right person(Person) at all. 

10:49am  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZVNnVyg8ZOP1
Filed under: reflections God life 
February 26, 2013

Story of my life right here y’all; have a happy midweek! 

“Because here is the great lie about crushes, internet: we pretend that they are precursors to relationships, when in fact they are a major sign that the two persons involved will never be in one together. The generally accepted potential outcomes of coming clean with your feelings are as follows:

ONE: “Hi, I like you.” “You like me?” asks your crush. “Wow, I like you too!” *stars

TWO: “Hi, I like you.” *awkward silence “Uh, thanks,” says your crush. “That’s really flattering.” *you die

And let’s face it, folks, the odds are not in our favor. If the odds were in our favor — if there was a very good chance of scenario ONE coming to pass — we wouldn’t be having this conversation on account of we would be very busy flirty texting with that dude. He would be flirty texting us back. We would not be asking for advice. We would be saying “oh, man, I met this cute guy and he’s so effing funny and he just asked if I want to hang out and I said yes” because THAT IS WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE WHEN THIS SHIT WORKS.”

Read More

9:44pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZVNnVyf2ElAF
(Notes: 2)
  
Filed under: life love crap 
February 20, 2013
Now

All people ask is ‘have you found a job’. As if that’s the only thing that matters. What people don’t ask is ‘how are you feeling’. Or perhaps that’s just one of those questions we avoid cos’ it’s easier to not ask and not know, lest we have to lose 1 oh-so-precious hour of our life listening to something we were never interested in hearing in the first place. I guess some of us are honest that way. Don’t ask, don’t tell. 

I feel incompetent. The lousiest version of myself thus far. Worse off than all my friends who have found jobs, even if they currently completely abhor whatever they are doing, at least they found something to do, at least someone wanted them. I wake up feeling crappy, complete my daily list of menial and insignificant tasks in an hour, and am left with a good 12 hours of the day left to click ‘apply now’, ponder about life, meaning and what God was thinking when He made me. But of course more often than not I let those 12 hours slip past me underused and even worse, undervalued, and at around 1am I put my closest companion at the mo to sleep (if you’re wondering it’s my macbook), and chide myself about the time I’ve wasted that we can never get back. 

It feels like everyone’s moved on into a new stage in their life, some faster than others - needless to say in a new and the first real job of their lives, and for some others making ridiculously adult decisions of deciding to spend the rest of their lives with one single person(I mean, that’s a good 60 years you’re looking at, with improved healthcare and everything). And here I am stuck in a time capsule that hasn’t moved since maybe..four years back. Amazing. It feels like I’m on the outside looking in, scrubbing the glass walls that surround me cos my breath keeps fogging it up and every few minutes or so I get tired of doing it cos keeping up is too much effort. 

I’m waiting. Not so patiently…but I’m waiting and hoping and waiting and hoping and I know God you answer prayers, but PLEASE answer this one asap. 

6:25pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZVNnVyeaHGAb
(Notes: 1)
  
Filed under: God Life RANT 
January 13, 2013
Wabbling again

I am caught between fleeting moments of wanting to write about something important to me - the stark realization that came to me while we were having cell yesterday night, or at least try to make sense of the very thought provoking article I just read about meaning and happiness and how the two are correlated - and wanting to take 3 steps back and fall into my cool sheets. And lose myself in the sleep that I know will come roughly 30 minutes after I let myself ponder over my biggest worries and fears and decisions to make in the present period of my life, that is currently presenting itself to be a quarter-life crisis. I do turn 24 in 28 days after all…and I’m trying hard to see it as a good thing rather than a negative one. IT’S GOOD. Being alive is always a blessing we forget to thank God for. 

Life is so unpredictable all the time. 

12:47am  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZVNnVybak6Xv
Filed under: life self-post 
December 22, 2012

These days it’s been about learning how to knock down walls and rebuild others again and again. Feelings of not daring to hope and then wondering why should we ever be afraid to hope in the first place, and who or what things should we be putting our hope in anyway. Or moments where you find yourself surrounded by smiling people, yourself included, and realizing you aren’t happy; why do people keep that upturned curve plastered on their faces when on the inside it’s all cloudy? At other times it’s the fleeting second where you spot something that touches you, not the kind that skims past the surface of your distracted subconscious; the kind that reaches in and grabs your heart for the briefest of moments, leaving you with a mark that stays for a long long time. Those are the ones that scar us, in a good way, helping us remember what we want but not telling us how to get there. There are so many things that are out of our reach anyway, so how long do we cling onto them before we decide it’s time to let go? 

12:04am  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZVNnVyZqxCPQ
Filed under: self-post life 
November 28, 2012
So we don’t forget -

I’ve decided it’s time to stop waiting for the ‘perfect time’ to write about my trip 4 month adventure and just do it now while it’s still relatively fresh in my memory. 

The time spent in Cali was both breathtakingly and tremendously cathartic. I’ve always wanted to spend time away on my own, away from my family and friends, to be my own person. To understand who I was and perhaps who I was made to be. And what I realized was that people change, some quite drastically when they’re put into a new environment - especially when you’re all alone in a foreign land and no one knows the you you had to be your entire 23 years thus far (save for one friend). I will save you the gory details but I learnt that you can be two different people in two different places, and still be the same person -  how you can stop being boxed in in wide open spaces, do things differently in ways no one has taught you how. 

Living in Santa Cruz itself, and getting to know all the people I worked with and stayed with opened my eyes to their way of life - the NorCal way. People cruised through life, without so much of a battering of eyelid about what the far off future held. The chest bumps (which hurt when I first tried them), how I was someone’s ‘homegirl’, how they both worked hard and played harder. These were all things I could learn from, especially coming from a society and culture where we tend to eyeball the future constantly and leave the other spinning madly - you can’t focus on two things at the same time so what better option is there then to just be here, now? 

Also, the incredible non-tangible rewards of plunging into friendships you never thought you would have - with people from places you’d never even think you’d visit. I once thought it was lame to make superficial conversation and be hi-bye friends, but when you’re stuck in a rented out apartment with housemates and international neighbours for 3 months, you’re doing yourself a disfavor if you stay indoors. Countless friendships were formed, most done recklessly and whole-heartedly, and none regretted. The beauty of it all being that colored eyes and foreign languages only make you realize that underneath it all we are the same - hopes and fears, dreams and disappointments binding us tighter than the lines we draw on a world map. As a friend once said, it’s not ‘you vs.me’ it’s ‘us vs. all the things life throws at us’. 

It’s been an amazing journey and I haven’t even reached my destination yet, but I will be back one day, and still be able to say I think you still have the part of me that’s been missing all this time. 

12:26am  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZVNnVyY9iKFI
(Notes: 3)
  
Filed under: santa cruz travel life lessons 
November 9, 2012
Scribbles

There are times where I feel like I’m here but not here. Disconnected and incoherent, in it and out of it all at the same time. I promise myself to live in the moment every moment that I can, and it is as easy to make that promise as it is to break it. Sometimes I think the easiest promises to break are those we make to ourselves. Simply cos you can’t hold yourself accountable…because it’s just easier not to. Easy versus hard. Two dichotomous relations that make one whole. I do things because they are easy, I do not do the other things because they are hard and well..maybe it’s just not worth it. How do we decide what is worthy of our efforts and what isn’t? Don’t we only know these things on hindsight. I’m rambling. Writing helps to unscramble all those lines in my head that end up looking like spaghetti, only spaghetti is easier to digest. Some days I wake up wishing life was a series of formulas. If you do A, it will lead to B, and inevitably you will end up with C. But then again that takes away all the unpredictability and subjectiveness of it. Don’t you think that’s what makes life beautiful? The fact that we can never figure everything out at any one point in time? 

7:00pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZVNnVyWvzGrQ
Filed under: Life stuff thoughts